I wake up at seven-thirty on this morning. The alarm in the cell phone has been snoozed and kept aside by now. I have learned to accomplish this feat – to be able to sleep without disruption – while half-awake although it has taken me a while to learn it. As I come to consciousness, I feel the exhaustion that has camped in various parts of my body. My legs, having walked on the hills of the Khonoma village, still bear the tension and my eyes are still heavy.
I could immediately notice the disconnect between the night that I had slept into and the morning that I am waking up to. Loneliness had predominated my mood in the night before even though I meditated in the regular movements and while breathing. The morning is a reflection of the fear and anxiety that is cacophonous and even disrupting. Anxiety is a frequent phenomenon that I experience from the outside but I do also possess a reserve myself.
This exercise in writing is one in which I cannot censor myself. I write everything and anything that comes to the mind and it is only after I have completed the piece that I could go back to and make the necessary changes. It is good practice, nonetheless. For a brief period, I don’t even look at the screen. My hands are my focus and I could see the fingers moving in premeditated synchrony to devise the thoughts out on the screen. They stop for a moment, distracted by the stream of text message notifications on my father’s cell phone. At this early hour, he receives multiple reminders of him being thought of or being wanted by someone. I have no such luck.
I am also sure that I will not go to the office today. I am also sure that I will still not get a chance to rest myself. Maybe, I will develop a structure that could help me dis-identify from the work that I do without even wanting to do it. I would want the meditative forces with me to assist me in accomplishing the most mundane tasks.
I have decided that I will drink a concoction of honey, lime juice and ginger in hot water each morning henceforth. The intention behind is to develop my immunity which has deteriorated in the offing to cleanse my body of the toxins that it stores. My underactive thyroid has disabled me in the mind to attempt any exertion that could help my body stay in shape.
But, the underactive thyroid has its own manner of decimating my body. I am quite understanding in that way that it is not intentional on its part. It is only that I want to engage in activities which will give my body some level of exertion. I do not like the gymnasium, where people are clubbed together in one room and expected to sweat. Maybe, I will take up dancing then – a graceful manner of people clubbed together in one room and then expected to sweat. There is one such dance studio in the vicinity of my office. The time starts late in the evening but the location is such that it will be close to my current work and any future employment that I take in the days to come.
So, preparation for the morning is not so much the preparation for the morning but for the life in general.